The Escape

This past December I had enough with my life. I was apathetic, in despair and paralyzed in decision making. I was drained and overwhelmed from work and my relationship. I hadn't created the boundaries that I needed in both situations to protect and nurture myself. My femininity and creativity were shut down. I felt so much pressure. I was never going to produce enough, make enough or be enough to him. He didn't see the real me, and I had to constantly explain/justify myself. I couldn't simply be me. As soon as I pulled away, he started to listen, engage and be curious about me. He wrote me long letters on how he had changed and how he thought we could be great partners, lovers and friends. He had changed and opened himself to my world, but I was too far gone at this point. Too little, too late. I know he loved me, and I broke his heart. I wanted out, and I wanted anything but my current life.

These two voices, Alli and sweet marty, were playing tennis and had been playing tennis for so long. Do I leave him and move to California or do I marry him and have his children? I resonated so deeply with the words of Elizabeth Gilbert in "Eat, pray, love." She would lay on her bathroom floor late at night tormented by her thoughts not knowing what to do next. She wrote "I equal parts loved him and could not stand him...The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving." This was me.

I had fantasized about escaping several times that year, and men synchronistically appeared in these moments showing their affection and offering me an escape. I could be me and safely and authentically express myself around them. I didn't share my story, but they knew. I was tempted to run off to California with Ryan, Germany with Kevin or Chile with Matt. These men mirrored to me the free spirit within myself that was crying out. I felt repressed and afraid to share any of these feelings with my long time boyfriend. He wouldn't understand...I don't blame him. I didn't give him an opportunity, either. It seems so clear now that I shouldn't have been in the relationship with just these mentions....but I thought the men and my thoughts were just distractions. I was looking for clarity, but I was too buried to see the truth.

I didn't know what to do so I quit my life. I couldn't be in limbo any longer. I finally took a chance and trusted the voice that knew all along. I ended my 3.5 year relationship, moved out of the dream house we built, quit my job and signed up for a 35 day intensive training program with business coach and entrepreneur, Martin Sage. I wanted to escape my life and was looking for any solution. These were extreme actions, but I believe I chose the healthier alternative. I chose me.

I had a blank canvas for my life. I could paint anything. I decided to look at the coming months as an experiment and observation of myself. Who am I? What do I really want? I call this piece "The 6-month Experiment." It has been juicy with much color, optimism and aliveness...and admittedly some more turmoil.