Alli Tini & Sweet Marty

I don't know what to write. I type a line and i stop. delete. I can't say that. shut up. Is that true? Internal turmoil.

Maybe it would help to explain by introducing you to my two most dominate characters. They are very much opposing forces and what keep me in limbo or sabotage me at times. You may have met one, likely not both depending on which world of mine you have been exposed to. While they are arguing, I am learning to listen, and one day I'll integrate them more fully...hopefully before turning into Deirdre Burroughs (Annette Bening) from "Running with Scissors" or Lucille (Melanie Griffith) from "Crazy in Alabama". When I first saw myself in these movies, these characters, I thought "oh shit, that's me. ok, don't tell anyone, move slowly and let's find a healthy way to express this energy before I go psycho. oops. i may have already done it. well, no one died. can't change the past. so, lets think positive. Today's a new day, right?"

Enter Alli Tini. Alli is a true aries. She is characterized by the ram, a symbol of ambition, impulsiveness and enthusiasm. She is honest, assertive, courageous and confident. She is passionate, inventive and explosive. She is a lover of freedom and what has yet to be discovered. Where did she get this name, you ask? I was entering a frat party at the University of Pittsburgh when I was 19, and because the frat houses were on campus, we had to sign in. Well, I wasn't old enough to be drinking, so with a quick scribble of the pen, Alli Tini wrote her name, she was created. I call on her for strength and confidence. Up until a year ago, she really only came out if i was drinking or in some sport competition (crew, running races, triathlons, etc.) My girlfriends often ask "who's coming out with us tonight?...is Alli coming?" Some of my new friends refer to her also as Party Marty or Party Pants. And she is the wild child, the one that gets me in trouble and is completely crazy. She loves bold make-up, black boots and wigs. She can walk in heels only when she's been drinking. She has been known to lift her dress to moon the cars behind her while riding in a convertible and pinch a cute guys ass as he walks by. She likes winning games and sports. She'll down play or hide it her skill or competitive nature and then sneak up on you to win the race. Her drug of choice is men...their attention, their affection. She feeds on their energy. She's not afraid to ask for what she wants and gets what she wants. Don't think for a second you really know her because in a blink of an eye, she's gone onto something new, some other exciting adventure. She is a performer and loves an audience. She loves Karaoke and dancing. At least once a day, she does free form dancing in the middle of the apartment. She sings on the top of her lungs in the car with accompanying dance moves that sometimes inspire the people in the cars next to her at a light to pick up their air guitar. I am learning to embrace and channel her strength, force and confidence into every day situations, my business and relationships. I am creating outlets for the destructive energy, and I certainly don't need alcohol anymore for her to express. Boxing is on my list of things to explore this month as an outlet.

The second character is Sweet Marty. Alli despises sweet Marty. If she hears one more person say how sweet Marty is, she is going to fucking puke. Actually, the only thing she likes about sweet marty is when she lures in someone through a friendly innocent smile and then wham, the prey is devoured. Alli takes over.

Sweet Marty is indeed sweet. She is sensitive, vulnerable, intuitive, empathic, a great listener, a coach, a good girl, too trusting, a nurturer, a flower child, hippy chic, and a catalyst for positive change. At her essence is peace and love and wishes only peace and love for the universe. She is an observer of life and sees people. She reads and feels the energy of a room and the people in it. She is everyone's friend. She's quirky and gets anxious. When extremely uncomfortable, she escapes her body. She's uncoordinated and sometimes runs into walls when she is ungrounded. She has a passive cutesy demeanor that has worked in some situations to get what she wants, but it hasn't been very effective. People don't take her seriously, she seems younger than her age, and she plays into the dumb blonde...which she's not. She is scared to allow her power, Alli, to come forward. Well, her experience of Alli has been primarily destructive or too much for people around her. As much as she wants to be seen, she is afraid that once she is seen, someone won't like her. She plays this role because it is safe and comfortable. She aspires to be evolved consciously. She believes in the good of humanity...all humanity (prisoners, murders, mother-in-laws, players, etc) She believes in the Cinderella story and every other Hollywood romance movie. There's always a happy ending and her knight in shining armor is going to rescue her from her life. There is a soul mate out there for her and she speaks to him in her dreams. As I type this I'm already seeing the delusional discord that exists .... the irony of conscious evolution and fairytale/fantasy that sits so close in proximity within this paragraph. Hmm, interesting.

The breaking point came this past December. I couldn't take these opposing voices any more. I had to escape from them and life to get clarity...