This past December I had enough with my life. I was apathetic, in despair and paralyzed in decision making. I was drained and overwhelmed from work and my relationship. I hadn't created the boundaries that I needed in both situations to protect and nurture myself. My femininity and creativity were shut down. I felt so much pressure. I was never going to produce enough, make enough or be enough to him. He didn't see the real me, and I had to constantly explain/justify myself. I couldn't simply be me. As soon as I pulled away, he started to listen, engage and be curious about me. He wrote me long letters on how he had changed and how he thought we could be great partners, lovers and friends. He had changed and opened himself to my world, but I was too far gone at this point. Too little, too late. I know he loved me, and I broke his heart. I wanted out, and I wanted anything but my current life.
These two voices, Alli and sweet marty, were playing tennis and had been playing tennis for so long. Do I leave him and move to California or do I marry him and have his children? I resonated so deeply with the words of Elizabeth Gilbert in "Eat, pray, love." She would lay on her bathroom floor late at night tormented by her thoughts not knowing what to do next. She wrote "I equal parts loved him and could not stand him...The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving." This was me.
I had fantasized about escaping several times that year, and men synchronistically appeared in these moments showing their affection and offering me an escape. I could be me and safely and authentically express myself around them. I didn't share my story, but they knew. I was tempted to run off to California with Ryan, Germany with Kevin or Chile with Matt. These men mirrored to me the free spirit within myself that was crying out. I felt repressed and afraid to share any of these feelings with my long time boyfriend. He wouldn't understand...I don't blame him. I didn't give him an opportunity, either. It seems so clear now that I shouldn't have been in the relationship with just these mentions....but I thought the men and my thoughts were just distractions. I was looking for clarity, but I was too buried to see the truth.
I didn't know what to do so I quit my life. I couldn't be in limbo any longer. I finally took a chance and trusted the voice that knew all along. I ended my 3.5 year relationship, moved out of the dream house we built, quit my job and signed up for a 35 day intensive training program with business coach and entrepreneur, Martin Sage. I wanted to escape my life and was looking for any solution. These were extreme actions, but I believe I chose the healthier alternative. I chose me.
I had a blank canvas for my life. I could paint anything. I decided to look at the coming months as an experiment and observation of myself. Who am I? What do I really want? I call this piece "The 6-month Experiment." It has been juicy with much color, optimism and aliveness...and admittedly some more turmoil.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Alli Tini & Sweet Marty
I don't know what to write. I type a line and i stop. delete. I can't say that. shut up. Is that true? Internal turmoil.
Maybe it would help to explain by introducing you to my two most dominate characters. They are very much opposing forces and what keep me in limbo or sabotage me at times. You may have met one, likely not both depending on which world of mine you have been exposed to. While they are arguing, I am learning to listen, and one day I'll integrate them more fully...hopefully before turning into Deirdre Burroughs (Annette Bening) from "Running with Scissors" or Lucille (Melanie Griffith) from "Crazy in Alabama". When I first saw myself in these movies, these characters, I thought "oh shit, that's me. ok, don't tell anyone, move slowly and let's find a healthy way to express this energy before I go psycho. oops. i may have already done it. well, no one died. can't change the past. so, lets think positive. Today's a new day, right?"
Enter Alli Tini. Alli is a true aries. She is characterized by the ram, a symbol of ambition, impulsiveness and enthusiasm. She is honest, assertive, courageous and confident. She is passionate, inventive and explosive. She is a lover of freedom and what has yet to be discovered. Where did she get this name, you ask? I was entering a frat party at the University of Pittsburgh when I was 19, and because the frat houses were on campus, we had to sign in. Well, I wasn't old enough to be drinking, so with a quick scribble of the pen, Alli Tini wrote her name, she was created. I call on her for strength and confidence. Up until a year ago, she really only came out if i was drinking or in some sport competition (crew, running races, triathlons, etc.) My girlfriends often ask "who's coming out with us tonight?...is Alli coming?" Some of my new friends refer to her also as Party Marty or Party Pants. And she is the wild child, the one that gets me in trouble and is completely crazy. She loves bold make-up, black boots and wigs. She can walk in heels only when she's been drinking. She has been known to lift her dress to moon the cars behind her while riding in a convertible and pinch a cute guys ass as he walks by. She likes winning games and sports. She'll down play or hide it her skill or competitive nature and then sneak up on you to win the race. Her drug of choice is men...their attention, their affection. She feeds on their energy. She's not afraid to ask for what she wants and gets what she wants. Don't think for a second you really know her because in a blink of an eye, she's gone onto something new, some other exciting adventure. She is a performer and loves an audience. She loves Karaoke and dancing. At least once a day, she does free form dancing in the middle of the apartment. She sings on the top of her lungs in the car with accompanying dance moves that sometimes inspire the people in the cars next to her at a light to pick up their air guitar. I am learning to embrace and channel her strength, force and confidence into every day situations, my business and relationships. I am creating outlets for the destructive energy, and I certainly don't need alcohol anymore for her to express. Boxing is on my list of things to explore this month as an outlet.
The second character is Sweet Marty. Alli despises sweet Marty. If she hears one more person say how sweet Marty is, she is going to fucking puke. Actually, the only thing she likes about sweet marty is when she lures in someone through a friendly innocent smile and then wham, the prey is devoured. Alli takes over.
Sweet Marty is indeed sweet. She is sensitive, vulnerable, intuitive, empathic, a great listener, a coach, a good girl, too trusting, a nurturer, a flower child, hippy chic, and a catalyst for positive change. At her essence is peace and love and wishes only peace and love for the universe. She is an observer of life and sees people. She reads and feels the energy of a room and the people in it. She is everyone's friend. She's quirky and gets anxious. When extremely uncomfortable, she escapes her body. She's uncoordinated and sometimes runs into walls when she is ungrounded. She has a passive cutesy demeanor that has worked in some situations to get what she wants, but it hasn't been very effective. People don't take her seriously, she seems younger than her age, and she plays into the dumb blonde...which she's not. She is scared to allow her power, Alli, to come forward. Well, her experience of Alli has been primarily destructive or too much for people around her. As much as she wants to be seen, she is afraid that once she is seen, someone won't like her. She plays this role because it is safe and comfortable. She aspires to be evolved consciously. She believes in the good of humanity...all humanity (prisoners, murders, mother-in-laws, players, etc) She believes in the Cinderella story and every other Hollywood romance movie. There's always a happy ending and her knight in shining armor is going to rescue her from her life. There is a soul mate out there for her and she speaks to him in her dreams. As I type this I'm already seeing the delusional discord that exists .... the irony of conscious evolution and fairytale/fantasy that sits so close in proximity within this paragraph. Hmm, interesting.
The breaking point came this past December. I couldn't take these opposing voices any more. I had to escape from them and life to get clarity...
Maybe it would help to explain by introducing you to my two most dominate characters. They are very much opposing forces and what keep me in limbo or sabotage me at times. You may have met one, likely not both depending on which world of mine you have been exposed to. While they are arguing, I am learning to listen, and one day I'll integrate them more fully...hopefully before turning into Deirdre Burroughs (Annette Bening) from "Running with Scissors" or Lucille (Melanie Griffith) from "Crazy in Alabama". When I first saw myself in these movies, these characters, I thought "oh shit, that's me. ok, don't tell anyone, move slowly and let's find a healthy way to express this energy before I go psycho. oops. i may have already done it. well, no one died. can't change the past. so, lets think positive. Today's a new day, right?"
Enter Alli Tini. Alli is a true aries. She is characterized by the ram, a symbol of ambition, impulsiveness and enthusiasm. She is honest, assertive, courageous and confident. She is passionate, inventive and explosive. She is a lover of freedom and what has yet to be discovered. Where did she get this name, you ask? I was entering a frat party at the University of Pittsburgh when I was 19, and because the frat houses were on campus, we had to sign in. Well, I wasn't old enough to be drinking, so with a quick scribble of the pen, Alli Tini wrote her name, she was created. I call on her for strength and confidence. Up until a year ago, she really only came out if i was drinking or in some sport competition (crew, running races, triathlons, etc.) My girlfriends often ask "who's coming out with us tonight?...is Alli coming?" Some of my new friends refer to her also as Party Marty or Party Pants. And she is the wild child, the one that gets me in trouble and is completely crazy. She loves bold make-up, black boots and wigs. She can walk in heels only when she's been drinking. She has been known to lift her dress to moon the cars behind her while riding in a convertible and pinch a cute guys ass as he walks by. She likes winning games and sports. She'll down play or hide it her skill or competitive nature and then sneak up on you to win the race. Her drug of choice is men...their attention, their affection. She feeds on their energy. She's not afraid to ask for what she wants and gets what she wants. Don't think for a second you really know her because in a blink of an eye, she's gone onto something new, some other exciting adventure. She is a performer and loves an audience. She loves Karaoke and dancing. At least once a day, she does free form dancing in the middle of the apartment. She sings on the top of her lungs in the car with accompanying dance moves that sometimes inspire the people in the cars next to her at a light to pick up their air guitar. I am learning to embrace and channel her strength, force and confidence into every day situations, my business and relationships. I am creating outlets for the destructive energy, and I certainly don't need alcohol anymore for her to express. Boxing is on my list of things to explore this month as an outlet.
The second character is Sweet Marty. Alli despises sweet Marty. If she hears one more person say how sweet Marty is, she is going to fucking puke. Actually, the only thing she likes about sweet marty is when she lures in someone through a friendly innocent smile and then wham, the prey is devoured. Alli takes over.
Sweet Marty is indeed sweet. She is sensitive, vulnerable, intuitive, empathic, a great listener, a coach, a good girl, too trusting, a nurturer, a flower child, hippy chic, and a catalyst for positive change. At her essence is peace and love and wishes only peace and love for the universe. She is an observer of life and sees people. She reads and feels the energy of a room and the people in it. She is everyone's friend. She's quirky and gets anxious. When extremely uncomfortable, she escapes her body. She's uncoordinated and sometimes runs into walls when she is ungrounded. She has a passive cutesy demeanor that has worked in some situations to get what she wants, but it hasn't been very effective. People don't take her seriously, she seems younger than her age, and she plays into the dumb blonde...which she's not. She is scared to allow her power, Alli, to come forward. Well, her experience of Alli has been primarily destructive or too much for people around her. As much as she wants to be seen, she is afraid that once she is seen, someone won't like her. She plays this role because it is safe and comfortable. She aspires to be evolved consciously. She believes in the good of humanity...all humanity (prisoners, murders, mother-in-laws, players, etc) She believes in the Cinderella story and every other Hollywood romance movie. There's always a happy ending and her knight in shining armor is going to rescue her from her life. There is a soul mate out there for her and she speaks to him in her dreams. As I type this I'm already seeing the delusional discord that exists .... the irony of conscious evolution and fairytale/fantasy that sits so close in proximity within this paragraph. Hmm, interesting.
The breaking point came this past December. I couldn't take these opposing voices any more. I had to escape from them and life to get clarity...
Sunday, September 2, 2007
For all the World is a Stage
I have been wanting to blog for some time, but fear crept in paralyzing me from exposing my unfiltered thoughts and feelings. What if a client, colleague, family member, friend, ex-boyfriend, lover reads this? So, what am I hiding? What roles do I play with the different people in my life? Who made the rule that we have to show different faces and play different roles....because it's the professional thing to do, it's the social thing to do, it's the conscious thing to do, or just the nice thing to do. Cultural norms bullshit. Just concepts and illusions. Maybe even just my concept and illusion. What lies do I tell myself? Who am I hiding? I've come to learn the different voices in my head, and I fondly embrace the characters within me that are fighting and perhaps cooperating to express and reveal themselves to me and the outer world. No, I'm not crazy (well, maybe). We all have these characters. I have names for some, and others have yet to be revealed. So, is my intent to be purely raw in expression for whatever is true in this moment or stream of energy for the particular voice that is coming forward. And I am fully aware that my thoughts, feelings and energy can be different and even contradictory with each passing moment. Am I strengthening my authenticity or acting? For all the world is a stage. Who's performing now? I move forward with curiosity of what today will bring. What is today's illusion and who will I be today?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)