The big question:
The question that has been most present in my mind and heart is what role does a man or men play in my life? Do I want to get married? Do I want multiple lovers? Is this THE right guy for me? What is his purpose in my life? What is true partnership? I will admit I ask these questions often to my Angel Oracle cards. And on occasion I have thrown them across the room vowing to never use them again because they have lied to me. Never mind what I have done..changing my mind or screwing up the relationship :)
Desire for a soul mate and the marriage illusion:
For as long as I can remember, the desire to find my "soul mate" has been a current running through me. I was never too concerned with getting married, and I believed that it would be a natural progression...down the road. And I keep saying down the road. I have had my own opinions of marriage. I think our culture is too caught up with the illusion of marriage, and as a whole people don't pay enough attention to each other, communication and the moment to cultivate a true lasting partnership. Marriage is a social and religious construct. This is a generalized opinion, and there are many great marriages out there. I could have and create a completely different experience. Great partnership can last 50 years or one year. I have a friend that makes a commitment for one year at a time with her man. They choose if they want to recommit for another year and discuss what is real for them at the time. They have been together now for 9 years. What is our true nature...my true nature? What do I want?
My soul mate and my core fear/belief:
I did find my soul mate (and I believe there can be many), my college boyfriend Matt. We were mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually aligned. I felt like we instantly knew each other, were passionate about each other and had so much fun together. He made my life better and I loved him. I knew I wasn't ready to settle down and had the idea that getting married would close the door of my personal exploration especially being so young. I wanted to see the world and experience anything that came my way. So, I moved to Spain and then Texas. There have been moments where I have questioned my decision to leave. Was I out there searching for answers to the meaning of life that were only inside of me. Perhaps...and I love to experience new places, cultures and people. I don't think I believed I could have those same experiences within my relationship. I see this as a pattern in my life and the relationships that followed....the belief that growth, exploration and freedom can only be experienced independent of a relationship. I want to shift that because I see the power, abundance, love, harmony and happiness that can come from true partnership with a man and woman.
The men in my life:
The men I am attracting into my life are amazing. They are free spirits, travelers, wonderers, passionate about life and seeing life. I love that we can be so present with each other in the moment that time escapes us. I feel alive and completely free to be me. They are fun, expressive, simple, grounded, earthy and genuine men. I love them for who they truly are. I don't have an expectation or attachment of where the relationship is heading. My mentor, Martin Sage, once told me that I need to find a man that has these qualities because that is my true nature. We weave in and out of each other's lives. This does not fall into the stereotypical relationship or marriage, and there are moments where "Sweet Marty" does want to latch on. And as much as I love my experiences with these men and being in the moment, I am missing an ongoing connection. I also see that these men have a fear that being in a relationship or marriage will somehow take away their life dreams or freedom. It's no wonder that I am attracting the very thing that I am doing, being, thinking. So, how does this work? How can we live our dreams, feel inspired and connected, and get everything we want and more together? Do I want a man that is also my business partner? Do I want one man or a few? I know I want kids one day too...so how does that play into this? I guess I can create anything, and it doesn't have to look like anybody else's life.
Spiritual Partnership:
To me, the term "soul mate" can mean predestined and mystical as though we don't have choice or responsibility. The stars align and love happens. I believe this is a piece of the equation. However, we have choice and can create true partnership. The term partnership can sometimes feel completely at will and cold without a sense of connection and universal flow. I don't want to get caught up in semantics and concepts, but there's something more powerful for me when I use the term "spiritual partnership." And by this, I don't mean religious. To me its the merging of the two, soul and partnership. It's bringing together physical world reality and intuition. It's being conscious of who you are drawn to energetically and synchronistically while being grounded and empowered to create what you want together in the physical world reality. Partnership between a man and woman in life and business is powerful. As my colleague and mentor Dana Minney explains in her course "How to Talk to Men," men are pilots and women are the radar. Men are typically linear, focused and goal oriented, and women can pick up and sense everything else going on at one time. They are both in their true function and as a team that can fly the plane. Life is easier, more fun, more effective and opportunities are more possible.
What do I want?:
Spiritual Partnership as a concept sounds good. I don't know that I have the answer for me yet, but I am enjoying the journey. Maybe it's simply to be in love and have fun.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
The Escape
This past December I had enough with my life. I was apathetic, in despair and paralyzed in decision making. I was drained and overwhelmed from work and my relationship. I hadn't created the boundaries that I needed in both situations to protect and nurture myself. My femininity and creativity were shut down. I felt so much pressure. I was never going to produce enough, make enough or be enough to him. He didn't see the real me, and I had to constantly explain/justify myself. I couldn't simply be me. As soon as I pulled away, he started to listen, engage and be curious about me. He wrote me long letters on how he had changed and how he thought we could be great partners, lovers and friends. He had changed and opened himself to my world, but I was too far gone at this point. Too little, too late. I know he loved me, and I broke his heart. I wanted out, and I wanted anything but my current life.
These two voices, Alli and sweet marty, were playing tennis and had been playing tennis for so long. Do I leave him and move to California or do I marry him and have his children? I resonated so deeply with the words of Elizabeth Gilbert in "Eat, pray, love." She would lay on her bathroom floor late at night tormented by her thoughts not knowing what to do next. She wrote "I equal parts loved him and could not stand him...The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving." This was me.
I had fantasized about escaping several times that year, and men synchronistically appeared in these moments showing their affection and offering me an escape. I could be me and safely and authentically express myself around them. I didn't share my story, but they knew. I was tempted to run off to California with Ryan, Germany with Kevin or Chile with Matt. These men mirrored to me the free spirit within myself that was crying out. I felt repressed and afraid to share any of these feelings with my long time boyfriend. He wouldn't understand...I don't blame him. I didn't give him an opportunity, either. It seems so clear now that I shouldn't have been in the relationship with just these mentions....but I thought the men and my thoughts were just distractions. I was looking for clarity, but I was too buried to see the truth.
I didn't know what to do so I quit my life. I couldn't be in limbo any longer. I finally took a chance and trusted the voice that knew all along. I ended my 3.5 year relationship, moved out of the dream house we built, quit my job and signed up for a 35 day intensive training program with business coach and entrepreneur, Martin Sage. I wanted to escape my life and was looking for any solution. These were extreme actions, but I believe I chose the healthier alternative. I chose me.
I had a blank canvas for my life. I could paint anything. I decided to look at the coming months as an experiment and observation of myself. Who am I? What do I really want? I call this piece "The 6-month Experiment." It has been juicy with much color, optimism and aliveness...and admittedly some more turmoil.
These two voices, Alli and sweet marty, were playing tennis and had been playing tennis for so long. Do I leave him and move to California or do I marry him and have his children? I resonated so deeply with the words of Elizabeth Gilbert in "Eat, pray, love." She would lay on her bathroom floor late at night tormented by her thoughts not knowing what to do next. She wrote "I equal parts loved him and could not stand him...The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving." This was me.
I had fantasized about escaping several times that year, and men synchronistically appeared in these moments showing their affection and offering me an escape. I could be me and safely and authentically express myself around them. I didn't share my story, but they knew. I was tempted to run off to California with Ryan, Germany with Kevin or Chile with Matt. These men mirrored to me the free spirit within myself that was crying out. I felt repressed and afraid to share any of these feelings with my long time boyfriend. He wouldn't understand...I don't blame him. I didn't give him an opportunity, either. It seems so clear now that I shouldn't have been in the relationship with just these mentions....but I thought the men and my thoughts were just distractions. I was looking for clarity, but I was too buried to see the truth.
I didn't know what to do so I quit my life. I couldn't be in limbo any longer. I finally took a chance and trusted the voice that knew all along. I ended my 3.5 year relationship, moved out of the dream house we built, quit my job and signed up for a 35 day intensive training program with business coach and entrepreneur, Martin Sage. I wanted to escape my life and was looking for any solution. These were extreme actions, but I believe I chose the healthier alternative. I chose me.
I had a blank canvas for my life. I could paint anything. I decided to look at the coming months as an experiment and observation of myself. Who am I? What do I really want? I call this piece "The 6-month Experiment." It has been juicy with much color, optimism and aliveness...and admittedly some more turmoil.
Alli Tini & Sweet Marty
I don't know what to write. I type a line and i stop. delete. I can't say that. shut up. Is that true? Internal turmoil.
Maybe it would help to explain by introducing you to my two most dominate characters. They are very much opposing forces and what keep me in limbo or sabotage me at times. You may have met one, likely not both depending on which world of mine you have been exposed to. While they are arguing, I am learning to listen, and one day I'll integrate them more fully...hopefully before turning into Deirdre Burroughs (Annette Bening) from "Running with Scissors" or Lucille (Melanie Griffith) from "Crazy in Alabama". When I first saw myself in these movies, these characters, I thought "oh shit, that's me. ok, don't tell anyone, move slowly and let's find a healthy way to express this energy before I go psycho. oops. i may have already done it. well, no one died. can't change the past. so, lets think positive. Today's a new day, right?"
Enter Alli Tini. Alli is a true aries. She is characterized by the ram, a symbol of ambition, impulsiveness and enthusiasm. She is honest, assertive, courageous and confident. She is passionate, inventive and explosive. She is a lover of freedom and what has yet to be discovered. Where did she get this name, you ask? I was entering a frat party at the University of Pittsburgh when I was 19, and because the frat houses were on campus, we had to sign in. Well, I wasn't old enough to be drinking, so with a quick scribble of the pen, Alli Tini wrote her name, she was created. I call on her for strength and confidence. Up until a year ago, she really only came out if i was drinking or in some sport competition (crew, running races, triathlons, etc.) My girlfriends often ask "who's coming out with us tonight?...is Alli coming?" Some of my new friends refer to her also as Party Marty or Party Pants. And she is the wild child, the one that gets me in trouble and is completely crazy. She loves bold make-up, black boots and wigs. She can walk in heels only when she's been drinking. She has been known to lift her dress to moon the cars behind her while riding in a convertible and pinch a cute guys ass as he walks by. She likes winning games and sports. She'll down play or hide it her skill or competitive nature and then sneak up on you to win the race. Her drug of choice is men...their attention, their affection. She feeds on their energy. She's not afraid to ask for what she wants and gets what she wants. Don't think for a second you really know her because in a blink of an eye, she's gone onto something new, some other exciting adventure. She is a performer and loves an audience. She loves Karaoke and dancing. At least once a day, she does free form dancing in the middle of the apartment. She sings on the top of her lungs in the car with accompanying dance moves that sometimes inspire the people in the cars next to her at a light to pick up their air guitar. I am learning to embrace and channel her strength, force and confidence into every day situations, my business and relationships. I am creating outlets for the destructive energy, and I certainly don't need alcohol anymore for her to express. Boxing is on my list of things to explore this month as an outlet.
The second character is Sweet Marty. Alli despises sweet Marty. If she hears one more person say how sweet Marty is, she is going to fucking puke. Actually, the only thing she likes about sweet marty is when she lures in someone through a friendly innocent smile and then wham, the prey is devoured. Alli takes over.
Sweet Marty is indeed sweet. She is sensitive, vulnerable, intuitive, empathic, a great listener, a coach, a good girl, too trusting, a nurturer, a flower child, hippy chic, and a catalyst for positive change. At her essence is peace and love and wishes only peace and love for the universe. She is an observer of life and sees people. She reads and feels the energy of a room and the people in it. She is everyone's friend. She's quirky and gets anxious. When extremely uncomfortable, she escapes her body. She's uncoordinated and sometimes runs into walls when she is ungrounded. She has a passive cutesy demeanor that has worked in some situations to get what she wants, but it hasn't been very effective. People don't take her seriously, she seems younger than her age, and she plays into the dumb blonde...which she's not. She is scared to allow her power, Alli, to come forward. Well, her experience of Alli has been primarily destructive or too much for people around her. As much as she wants to be seen, she is afraid that once she is seen, someone won't like her. She plays this role because it is safe and comfortable. She aspires to be evolved consciously. She believes in the good of humanity...all humanity (prisoners, murders, mother-in-laws, players, etc) She believes in the Cinderella story and every other Hollywood romance movie. There's always a happy ending and her knight in shining armor is going to rescue her from her life. There is a soul mate out there for her and she speaks to him in her dreams. As I type this I'm already seeing the delusional discord that exists .... the irony of conscious evolution and fairytale/fantasy that sits so close in proximity within this paragraph. Hmm, interesting.
The breaking point came this past December. I couldn't take these opposing voices any more. I had to escape from them and life to get clarity...
Maybe it would help to explain by introducing you to my two most dominate characters. They are very much opposing forces and what keep me in limbo or sabotage me at times. You may have met one, likely not both depending on which world of mine you have been exposed to. While they are arguing, I am learning to listen, and one day I'll integrate them more fully...hopefully before turning into Deirdre Burroughs (Annette Bening) from "Running with Scissors" or Lucille (Melanie Griffith) from "Crazy in Alabama". When I first saw myself in these movies, these characters, I thought "oh shit, that's me. ok, don't tell anyone, move slowly and let's find a healthy way to express this energy before I go psycho. oops. i may have already done it. well, no one died. can't change the past. so, lets think positive. Today's a new day, right?"
Enter Alli Tini. Alli is a true aries. She is characterized by the ram, a symbol of ambition, impulsiveness and enthusiasm. She is honest, assertive, courageous and confident. She is passionate, inventive and explosive. She is a lover of freedom and what has yet to be discovered. Where did she get this name, you ask? I was entering a frat party at the University of Pittsburgh when I was 19, and because the frat houses were on campus, we had to sign in. Well, I wasn't old enough to be drinking, so with a quick scribble of the pen, Alli Tini wrote her name, she was created. I call on her for strength and confidence. Up until a year ago, she really only came out if i was drinking or in some sport competition (crew, running races, triathlons, etc.) My girlfriends often ask "who's coming out with us tonight?...is Alli coming?" Some of my new friends refer to her also as Party Marty or Party Pants. And she is the wild child, the one that gets me in trouble and is completely crazy. She loves bold make-up, black boots and wigs. She can walk in heels only when she's been drinking. She has been known to lift her dress to moon the cars behind her while riding in a convertible and pinch a cute guys ass as he walks by. She likes winning games and sports. She'll down play or hide it her skill or competitive nature and then sneak up on you to win the race. Her drug of choice is men...their attention, their affection. She feeds on their energy. She's not afraid to ask for what she wants and gets what she wants. Don't think for a second you really know her because in a blink of an eye, she's gone onto something new, some other exciting adventure. She is a performer and loves an audience. She loves Karaoke and dancing. At least once a day, she does free form dancing in the middle of the apartment. She sings on the top of her lungs in the car with accompanying dance moves that sometimes inspire the people in the cars next to her at a light to pick up their air guitar. I am learning to embrace and channel her strength, force and confidence into every day situations, my business and relationships. I am creating outlets for the destructive energy, and I certainly don't need alcohol anymore for her to express. Boxing is on my list of things to explore this month as an outlet.
The second character is Sweet Marty. Alli despises sweet Marty. If she hears one more person say how sweet Marty is, she is going to fucking puke. Actually, the only thing she likes about sweet marty is when she lures in someone through a friendly innocent smile and then wham, the prey is devoured. Alli takes over.
Sweet Marty is indeed sweet. She is sensitive, vulnerable, intuitive, empathic, a great listener, a coach, a good girl, too trusting, a nurturer, a flower child, hippy chic, and a catalyst for positive change. At her essence is peace and love and wishes only peace and love for the universe. She is an observer of life and sees people. She reads and feels the energy of a room and the people in it. She is everyone's friend. She's quirky and gets anxious. When extremely uncomfortable, she escapes her body. She's uncoordinated and sometimes runs into walls when she is ungrounded. She has a passive cutesy demeanor that has worked in some situations to get what she wants, but it hasn't been very effective. People don't take her seriously, she seems younger than her age, and she plays into the dumb blonde...which she's not. She is scared to allow her power, Alli, to come forward. Well, her experience of Alli has been primarily destructive or too much for people around her. As much as she wants to be seen, she is afraid that once she is seen, someone won't like her. She plays this role because it is safe and comfortable. She aspires to be evolved consciously. She believes in the good of humanity...all humanity (prisoners, murders, mother-in-laws, players, etc) She believes in the Cinderella story and every other Hollywood romance movie. There's always a happy ending and her knight in shining armor is going to rescue her from her life. There is a soul mate out there for her and she speaks to him in her dreams. As I type this I'm already seeing the delusional discord that exists .... the irony of conscious evolution and fairytale/fantasy that sits so close in proximity within this paragraph. Hmm, interesting.
The breaking point came this past December. I couldn't take these opposing voices any more. I had to escape from them and life to get clarity...
Sunday, September 2, 2007
For all the World is a Stage
I have been wanting to blog for some time, but fear crept in paralyzing me from exposing my unfiltered thoughts and feelings. What if a client, colleague, family member, friend, ex-boyfriend, lover reads this? So, what am I hiding? What roles do I play with the different people in my life? Who made the rule that we have to show different faces and play different roles....because it's the professional thing to do, it's the social thing to do, it's the conscious thing to do, or just the nice thing to do. Cultural norms bullshit. Just concepts and illusions. Maybe even just my concept and illusion. What lies do I tell myself? Who am I hiding? I've come to learn the different voices in my head, and I fondly embrace the characters within me that are fighting and perhaps cooperating to express and reveal themselves to me and the outer world. No, I'm not crazy (well, maybe). We all have these characters. I have names for some, and others have yet to be revealed. So, is my intent to be purely raw in expression for whatever is true in this moment or stream of energy for the particular voice that is coming forward. And I am fully aware that my thoughts, feelings and energy can be different and even contradictory with each passing moment. Am I strengthening my authenticity or acting? For all the world is a stage. Who's performing now? I move forward with curiosity of what today will bring. What is today's illusion and who will I be today?
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